Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
