I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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