why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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