and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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