i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
