if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
