Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
