MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
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