go do what you do best...puke behind churches
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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