Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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