I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
why do cheetos always look like penises
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
