i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
My life is pants optional.
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