from now on my penis is your penis
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
