that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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