Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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