Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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