I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
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