i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
