I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
