As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
