i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
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Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
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whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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