I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
4 words: hood of his car
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
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she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
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Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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