You're so nebulous sometimes
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
