Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
