I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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