I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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