why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
