put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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