evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
