i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I AM VODKA MAN
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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