i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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