Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
