She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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