i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
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