whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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