today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
