im drinking this country out of the recession.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
