I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
