just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
