by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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