Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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