I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I have fence marks all over my body
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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