Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Non-Jews are for practice
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
