so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
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Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
