it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
