My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
