im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
