Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Blood and glitter go together right?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
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