mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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