we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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