Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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