tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
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