the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
