I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
