Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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