I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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