I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
