oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
