my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
